Transitions

Today I decided that I cannot hold one more piece of new information without unloading some of the current information in my head. Then I immediately decided that this was an unrealistic decision because well, let’s be realistic here. 

I have been really slacking on keeping this thing up so here are some new things going on in my life: I leave for vacation in t-minus 2 days (see above for why this is so important). I bought a house and move in 5 weeks. My teenage niece is living with me and B. I am team captain-ing (yes this is a verb) of two different teams and therefore fundraising for two different non-profits with events one month away from each other. I’m halfway through reading at least 3 books and listening to 1. I am halfway through tidying up as outlined in the Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up (which I did finish reading, by the way). Oh, and I have put myself in time-out from saying “yes” to any other commitments or starting any new projects until I move August (see above for why this is also so improtant). I am still sober and I have had a little too much caffeine so far today and still have half an espresso drink on my desk. 

Okay, now that that is all out of the way. Life is good and let’s get to the transition stuff… 

First things first, let me just say: I SUCK AT TRANSITIONS! (OK, OK.. Positive self-talk): I’m not great at transitions. 

I am getting better at them, BUT I just don’t do super great with the grey area of things and I also don’t do well with things ending and new things beginning, so put those two traits together and well, there I am not being great at transitions. 

Generally, I prefer for one thing to end abruptly and then to dive head first into like 10 others things, usually making sure to burn a bridge or two on the way. Okay, I don’t actually prefer that but this is generally how transitions go for me. 

So right now I am in more than one transition, and trying to take things one at a time, with the biggest transition being the house. I have been trying to take this one smoothly and calmly but it is a LOOONG transition (They are renting the house back for a month and a half — I actually closed a few weeks ago but don’t move til August) and so it is really dragging it out, testing my patience, making me live in the grey area. Hey, the universe gives you what you need, right? The good thing is there isn’t much to sabotage. I think. B and I are moving together and I can’t wait to bid adeui to where we are leaving. I guess that would be the thing I am most in danger of sabotaging. Not the actual house of course but just the whole process of how the renting of his house will go and all of that. I have actually tried to take myself out of that whole process to avoid the issue. For me, that is growth. Stepping back rather than micromanaging and sabotaging. Although at times I’m still trying to micromanage while avoid but hey, progress takes time. 

On that note, are transitions this hard for everyone? I wonder this quite often. The other day I thought back to my first college apartment and how I got in a huge fight with a roommate about ketchup and cleaning or something dumb just a few days before we moved, or how I generally make sure I don’t have great relationships with upper management on my way out of any job (oops!). I’m wondering if maybe there is some subconscious reason for all of this or if it’s the norm. I’m not really sure why this wouldn’t just be my subconscious but who knows. 

And, what makes transitions so hard? I guess it’s all that unknown that makes it so tough for me. Like what is going to be like when I leave here and change to something else? Will it be better? Will it be worse? Better burn that bridge so I can’t wonder. Ha. But seriously. Change is hard. 

The good thing is that I’m definitely aware that my sobriety and my stability mentally and physically have contributed to this transition (1) being able to happen and (2) not being so chaotic. It’s super hard to manage the grey area when you are in the middle of a black out. And I am also a MASTER drunk sabotager. So for my sobriety, I am grateful. That is all. 

Day 543 of sobriety, 37 days til moving day. 

Still Change

 

I stand.

At the edge of the water, toes spread wide in the sand. I stand.

The breeze is cool and strong, whipping sand at times but I don’t mind.

I stand.

Still.

Still in body, still in mind. Am I still in breath, too?

I stand.

Still.

This. This is it. This feeling of stillness. Of peace. Of contentment. I search for this feeling and here it is.

Still.

The water is cold. It brushes my feet and I feel the life of the sea connecting with my toes.

Cold. Energizing. The waves, I watch them as they move, as they dance.

In and out, ebb and flow, back and forth.

Here on this beach, I stand.

Still.

But it is all changing.