Surprise Triggers

Tomorrow will be 90 days off the booze and I have become floored by all the triggers I have felt in the last few days. Maybe it has something to do with the holidays, most realistically with New Year’s rather than Christmas. Maybe it just has to do with the fact that I’m half way to the promised 6 months of sobriety I swore myself I would make it to before I break down. Maybe it has something to do with the lack of activities to do in the cold, rainy city. Maybe it has to do with the bar being my way to meet people when I’m single. Whatever the reason behind it, triggers suck!

This morning I went with a friend from college to go do some generally touristy activities as the city was running a “Dollar Days” promotion, where you can do different tourist activities for practically free. I was fine until we started talking about getting food around 1pm. Seriously? A trigger in the middle of the day? You know it. Brunch, Bloody Mary’s, Mimosas. Are you kidding me? Day drinking was my nemesis. Something terrible ALWAYS happened when I day drank (probably because day drinking turned into 18 hours of drinking which is never a good time). So why the hell am I craving a drink in the middle of the day? Because I really did love day drinking, or the idea of it at least. It rarely ever turned out well for me though.

Off the top of my head, the worst day drinking experience I ever had was at age 21. A day of wine and beer on the river ended in a physical brawl between an ex of mine and myself while in the back of my friend’s car, on the beltway (highway) after tubing on the river. I was flirting. He was mad. I was drunk and pushing the issue. Pushing the issue turned into pushing. Pushing turned into a little scuffle. The scuffle turned into a mess. Did I mention I have impeccable taste in men? My mom ended up having to pick me up from a friend’s house because I was so distraught, and so drunk. That’s right. I had graduated college just about a month before and here I was, being such a functional adult that my mom had to pick me up and drive me to my apartment. I barely remember the half hour drive. I was a disaster. I cried a lot. I had scratches all on my arms. I’m sure she was just so proud. It took weeks before anyone involved in that whole thing would talk to me honestly about what happened. My ex and I broke up. We threatened each other with assault charges. Our friend group was torn apart. I still am baffled by that day. Thinking about it now, I think this was the first time my mom asked me to stop drinking for at least a month. Maybe it was the second. I think I made it two weeks.

I can remember a lot of things that happened because of day drinking that I’m not proud of at all so why would I even THINK about that again? Well, let’s be honest: Bloody Mary’s and Mimosas were some of my favorite drinks. I was not above ordering a Bloody at 8 or 9pm. Bartenders hated me, I know. So I think that has a lot to do with it. Also, I think I’ve thought a lot about my night time drinking at bars and shows and I’ve tried to prepare myself for those triggers, but I haven’t spent a lot of time thinking about some other obscure triggers like brunches or shitty days at work where I’m dying for a happy hour. And on top of those random triggers, I’ve been thinking so much about New Years and “just one glass” of champagne. I won’t do it, but it’s a thought that has crossed my mind more than once.

I obviously did not drink at lunch, or I would be off drinking still instead of writing this but I think the glitz and glamour of sobriety is wearing off. I don’t really feel like a victor for overcoming my triggers. I just feel like it is something that I have to do because I don’t drink anymore or I’m not drinking right now or whatever the reason. I don’t know if I’m “settling in” to being sober or I’m getting over it but it is a weird and anxious feeling I have about it. I really think it has a lot to do with winter and the holidays, neither of which I’m super fond of but what if it isn’t that? I guess it is just a day by day thing that I’m doing and some days are not going to be fun and exciting. Why isn’t sobriety more glamorous?